"I'm spinning round the room in awe" ryan adams

Sunday, August 08, 2004

so helpless

As I am finally able to write about this, I do not feel any more at ease than I was this morning.

What I am about to write is entirely true and freaked me the fuck out. If you know me, you know that though I do have panic/anxiety attacks, I do not get upset over much.

A little about my past...I haven't slept in the house I grew up in in Delaware since I moved completely out three years ago. Mostly because that house is haunted and it got to the point where I couldn't even be in the house by myself, let alone sleep there. Ever since I was younger, I have had a deeper sense of my surroundings. I can usually read people really well without even realyy knowing them. It is hard to explain. Mostly everyone I know knows that I have a wicked sense of dates, but its actually a deeper unexplainable vibe. I'm not even going to try to explain, just that I have learned to adapt to the fact that I can sense things before they happen. Too many stories to even mention to prove that.

So I live in one of the oldest buildings in my town, but have never really been concerned with any presences. Occasionally I think I see something hovering near where my AC is, but have just passed it off as my eyes misjudging my floor lamp. The last time I remember thinking I felt someone and seeing someone was while talking to Maryellen and Morita on AIM some Monday night while we all watched American Idol. I remember telling them how freaky it felt. Nothing has occured to me here since then...until I was violently awoken last night.

I came home around 2am and went to bed around 2:30. I was extremely tired, though I couldn't fall asleep. I chalked it up to having too much on my mind, though Jamie did give me something to calm me down and help me sleep. I tossed and turned and got out of bed every half hour just because I was so franticly weary. I had just fallen asleep around 5:30 when I woke up because I was being crushed. I couldn't open my eyes, but there was an immense weight on me. I could hear Becca outside in the hallway and the cars on Main Street. I was sleeping on my side and couldn't turn over because the pressure was so great. I tried to say something, but couldn't. I tried to scream, but couldn't even open my mouth in addition to my eyes. I could hear Becca outside and I couldn't call out to her. I started tearing up because I was so afraid and in pain. Then my whole budy went numb. I couldn't feel the weight on me anymore, and it felt like my whole body was asleep. I tried to turn around from what was keeping me down and couldn't. I started hyperventilating. I honestly thought I was going to die. I am gasping for air, crying, and wasn't able to move. Then as quickly as it started it stopped. Once I realized I was still alive, my first thought was that someone close to me had died and was trying to tell me. I knew it was early morning and my mom usually wakes up super early on the weekends to take care of the horses and I thought maybe she got into a car accident. I didn't want to open my eyes to look at my clock or grab my cell phone because I was terrified on what I might see. So I sat in bed with my eyes shut until day broke.

While at work today, I told Rob about my adventure last night. I told him of the pressure and the paralysis and he said he has me diagnosed. I must have had an odd look because he followed that statement with "shadow people". So we went on google and apparently what happened to me isn't uncommon. Oh yeah, and while doing so, Joe - the owner of the store and my apartment, comes in and says "did you know the third floor window is open?" Raf, Rob, and I look at each not saying a damn thing. The only people that have keys to the third floor are Raf and I. And neither one of us opened that damn window in the past day. What the hell?!

I am just majorly freaked out. I don't think I am sleeping here tonight. I don't understand why me and why now. My whole body is sore, and I sure as hell didn't do anything strenuous yesterday. Every light in my apartment is on and I am jumping at every little thing. I'm so tired, but too scared to close my eyes.