"I'm spinning round the room in awe" ryan adams

Friday, July 23, 2004

a whole new light

So I went to a strip club the other night.  And after that statement, I am speechless.  It was supposed to be a group of us, pretty much just me and the guys, but at the last minute, it ended up just being Rob and me...

I honestly have no idea where to start or what to write.  So I guess I will start at the end.  I was talking to a stripper on what a "couch dance" was because they kept saying that phrase.  I was wondering what the difference between a lap dance and a couch dance was, is the victim horizontal?  Before the girl could even answer, Rob said I was going to do it.  WHAT!??!?!??!  Before I could even say anything, the stripper grabbed my hand, Rob paid her, and said the famous last words - "can I watch?" 

So Martini brings me over to the couch and asks if I am into girls.  I said no, which I think eased her a bit and she probably just assumed that Rob and I were into voyeur stuff.  Before she took me in, she kept referring to me as Rob's girlfriend.  We corrected her by saying that Rob was married, and not to me.  I guess she thought it was hot and we were hiding something, because she went at it.  I think my fear heightened when I was sitting down, she positioned me so Rob could watch, and she slaps my leg and says "spread 'em, honey."  Oh no!

You get your couch dance for a song, and I swear the song must have been the longest song ever.  Martini did things to me that I couldn't even imagine.  I was trying to not think about it, so I was looking at Rob and he was astonished, which made me laugh.  Hopefully I didn't offend Martini.  At one point, Rob had to leave.  He said he couldn't watch anymore.  He came back...and the rest will be in his words...

"The worst part of the dance was when Martini grabbed Miranda's chest, looked at me, and then licked her lips.  I didn't know what to do.  Then Paris came at me and blocked my view.  I tried to step around her, then she asked if I thought this was hot.  I said 'no', saw the look of hurt on her face, then said 'yes', then said 'no! I'm married'.  Paris then thought something else so I told her that I would tell her later.  When would I tell her later!??!  I'm not going to tell her later!!!!!  Martini was done with Miranda and we ran out of the club and into the car and didn't say anything to each other till we were almost home.  I went home and drank.  I drank straight vodka and had nightmares."

It was very traumatic.  Rob told me I grew about three inches from stiffening up in fear during my couch dance.  I also had nightmares.  There is nothing more to say.