"I'm spinning round the room in awe" ryan adams

Sunday, September 11, 2005

mini temper tantrum

This is how I feel right now:

“When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?” Fix You – Coldplay

I’m too mentally and emotionally tired to write, but I will, just to catch you up on some of my thoughts…

I was on the beach today chatting with Amy, Meredith, Doug, and Terry when my mom called (that will be blogged tomorrow). As of today, I no longer have my horses. Talk about a wonderful time coming to a screeching halt. So many thoughts going through my mind, but obviously I wasn’t in the right situation to just ponder. And needless to say I was kinda quiet and distant for the remaining few hours of the trip.

I don’t even know what to begin with. Though I am in NYC and knew that I will never have my horses up here, it was always comforting to know that they were still in my life. Alexcia and Leaf were also the last thing I had from my pre-2005 life within reach. Everything else has been slipping away and I have no control. Just everything that I once had or had been involved in isn’t there anymore or changed so much that it isn’t the same. There were three main entities in my life – STN, Rainbow, and riiding. STN obviously I do not do anymore and it has changed so much from the good ol’ days that it isn’t the same. Though we all remain BFF, the station just isn’t there for most of us. Rainbow isn’t Rainbow anymore. The glory days are gone and there has been a regime change. (More on Rainbow later, after 25 years, the owners peaced out). That was the big one…the slap in the face that there was nothing to return home to since home was Rainbow. And now my horses…or lack thereof.

Alexcia & Leaf were the one constant in my life, through the ex boyfriends, the fights, the school struggles, the graduations, the bands. No matter what conundrums I got into, there were two beings who needed to be taken care of every morning and who would always listen to me. When everything else would fall apart, they were there and the one part of me that never changed.

And they were also the one thing I had left in Delaware. This is kinda like the final straw and the final realization that I have nothing left in Delaware except for memories and the few good friends that I consistently talk to still straggling around (hi Nate, Maryann, Jay, Marissa, Aurora, and Chip). But people don’t count because they are portable. There really is no home and I don’t know what to call home since I don’t really have anything anywhere anymore.

I think I am just frustrated because nothing is becoming easier. I have been here for 9 months now, and no positive ramifications are coming from it aside from things that are work related. Not only is nothing becoming easier, but my distance has been striking me left and right, by no choice of my own. Lately I have been feeling that I abandoned everything and possibilities for the off chance of something amazing that hasn’t happened yet. I really can’t and don’t want to write anymore. I’m just confused. And tired.